Found
by SilverMistress
Summary: Dearest Subaru thinking about all sorts of things. A serious bit. . I wrote this for a few friends of mine, so hopefully they'll read and remember what is said. Please RR!


Disclaimer: I do not own Subaru, but if I did...innocent grin hee hee...Oh well. He is property of CLAMP, and God Bless them.

Written in Subaru's POV

I hope this turns out like I want it to.

There are some things worth dieing for. It can be hard to see them on a day like today, but they're there. I have managed to spill my coffee on my WHITE trench coat, break my cigarette lighter, slam my fingers in the apartment door, knock a girl in the mud and get lost all in the two hours I have been awake. I'm not perfect.

At least the girl forgave me and smiled, I can take my coat to the cleaners, I can get a new lighter and my fingers don't hurt that bad. It is this whole "lost" thing that is really screwing with me. It happens every day, and I'm doomed to repeat the cycle.

I leave my apartment at nine in the morning off to do whatever it is I feel like doing. Somewhere between an ice cream parlor and Ueno Park, or half past ten, I take some sort of turn. It's not a physical turn, no. Somehow I just become the black ink seeping into the pages of memory in my mind. And I keep walking, unaware of everything and only going from one memory to the next.

There are hundreds of them. I could probably last for the rest of my life like this if I had to. Everything I need is within these memories- a smiling girl with hair the same black and style as mine, the seemingly kind face of a friend that kept us ignorant of what he really was, all the cake and ice cream you could stomach, and warm nights all year around. Memories alive with laughter, sunshine on my face, and a strange feeling in my stomach. The feeling is what convinces me it's a memory, because it's happiness. The only shadows there are the ones made by me. So different from my eyes now.

Eventually, in a split second, I find myself back in the real world. And I'm usually in front of a cherry tree. I can never escape. There's no use in trying.

Out in the reality of which I "live", I can see so much more. How the sun shines differently than it once did. I touch no one, and no one bothers with me. I wonder if someone someday will, and what will I action will I take when they do.

So back to what I should have been saying. . .

There are things worth living for. Like the days you remember, and the ones dieing for are the ones you haven't had in forever. Basically, the same thing. You have to decide what to do with what's in your hands at the moment, and make your own wish come true. I said that to someone a very long time ago, and he managed to smile when it was time. He had it easier than most, if you can imagine, because he knew his hearts desire. The most painful thing for some. . .is not knowing. I could have been lost to that pain so many years ago, but the sacrifice of my own flesh and blood saved me. Sometimes I wonder if it made a difference at all, if it only made a more cruel existence for me. But even in my moments of doubt, I remember and a small shred of light finds its way into my otherwise dark heart. I remember what I once wanted, and how it has somewhat come to pass in a shadow of time. To be killed by the one you love doesn't mean you really die. It's much worse than that.

What kinds of people we are, all depends on our wish. What dreams die and come true depend on our actions. Living or dead, we cannot give up. There are many outcomes, some of failure, some of victory. It is not always about what will be, but about the fight to get what we wish for. You may win, or lose.

Perhaps that is why I am "lost" everyday. The only victory I have is my memories all being intact. I unknowingly choose to acknowledge the ones where I was happy. Happiness. . . .its taken for granted. Even now, I have to be unclear about everything.

It can be the little things that stop us. So sad. Sad, like the rain that has started to fall and blur my vision. Much like tears, only I haven't cried since I died. Not even when I couldn't stay.

I lift my head now, to the sky, seeing the gray and almost silver edges here and there. It seems to prove me right. And its funny how my cigarette is still lit in this downpour.

Petals stir at my feet and I smile. There are always fragments. Always a small part of what was there, right next to me. Next to you. In your blood.

A.N. Well, how was it? It was written in an emotional rush, so sorry if a lot is unclear. It's supposed to be that way a little, but hopefully you get the idea. I wrote it in about twenty minutes, and damn my fingers are sore. :cries: Time for bed. Please review! Thank you for your time!


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